addicted to
i'm not here to win
i'm here to leave a legacy
on clip shoes and my complex adolescent mind
it's the passion that drives you
endorphins
pain
exhaustion
chasing this insane dream
perfection
tagboard ;
guestbook
when you try your best but you don't succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse
when the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?
-coldplay x&y // fix you
very tired actually. in that lazy lazy mood. need to stop losing inspiration and motivation. i feel like some leaky water bottle, losing all my contents very fast. and before i know it, i'm empty. not sure what's wrong with me. could be post-race blues. could be anything actually. the 7 letter f word is floating through my head- failure. it's like someone's shouting at me. telling me how lousy i am. sigh. wondering why it always ends up like this.
i've always known that my mental strength sucks. i get discouraged as easily as falling off your bike while trying out your clip shoes for the first time. something i need to improve on. a lot of the time i ruin my races with negative thoughts in my head. like the run leg of my race last sat? i wasn't even pushing myself... i even had enough energy to say hi to my teacher who was cheering for me. stupid. oh dear this is so depressing.
i need training. training with fun people around. that's one of the only things keeping me going nowadays. school is stressful, complex and very depressing. training is what gives me strength (: cept that right now my stupid rectus femoris has gotten worse. physio was excruciating. i'm hoping it will get better soon.
finally got the bike shoes i wanted. but i don't know why i'm not as excited anymore. well firstly, they are PINK. yes, PINK. my most hated colour. i wouldn't even mind bright yellow or orange or like lime green. but PINK?! i'm sorry but i have never owned something pink before. besides, my fav colour is blue. the "opposite" of pink. okay but yes i have told myself that it's not the colour of the shoes that matters, it's the feet that you put in it. then i went to try them out at dempsey road carpark. omg, i never dreamed it'd be that hard. falling down was inevitable. i got so angry with myself at one point. and i was also pretty worried cos i have 100m brst tmr and i didn't want another accident. as it is my rectus femoris has already been damaged enough. sigh so at the moment, i can only use one clip shoe at a time. i practiced with the right first, using a normal shoe on my left foot. and then changed after i got the hang of it. i'm scared of using them now. then when i got home clarissa informed me that i had gotten the wrong type. they aren't tri bike shoes! agh. this is when i get a bit angry with myself again. you see, i don't like talking. and so i didn't tell the shop guy that i wanted TRI bike shoes. somehow he always thinks i want road bike stuff. like when i picked out a tri pair he was like "that's for tri, not suitable". agh anw they didn't have my size for that one. it fit so snugly though. agh so now i have three nasty valcro straps to get through before i can put my shoes on. they're really tight and hard to squeeze my feet into. i think i am too scared to ask my dad to return them. anw the tri bike shoes prob cos a bomb more than this one. bike stuff is so expensive... it's painful looking at price tags you know. i think maybe when i can do a time below 2hrs 45mins i will beg for another pair. for now i think i should try to adapt to this one...
oh no i'm so sad now. homework has to be ignored when i feel like this. all i am looking forward to now is desperate housewives at 10pm. junk tv for junk people like me.
100m brst- i am not prepared. i have skyhigh expectations that i cannot bring down now, it's too late. it's like looking at failure in the face. i know i'm not going to do well. self-fulfilling prophecy? agh so negative now. sigh. come on pat! aghhh.
feeling fat. how much worse could a monday get? goodbye world, i will now drown myself in negative thoughts. pessimism you have won.